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Dear list members,
FYI.
Best
andreas
A N U
Assyrian News Watch
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Assyrian Chaldean Syriac
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Crative Loafing, Atlanta
July 24, 2002
If Daddy isn't patriotic, turn him in
Cable guys and truckers as spies? Are kids next?
BY JOHN SUGG
From: Lowlyreporter@creativeloafing.com
To: Bigbosseditor@creativeloafing.com
Hey, Chief, we can't find Sugg anywhere. Someone saw him sneaking around
taking license numbers of the cars in the parking lot. Don't know what the
hell that's all about. But I checked his computer and found the following
e-mails. They're strange, even for Sugg.
From: John Sugg
To: GWB
Just wanted to say thanks for letting me join the Terrorism Information and
Prevention System (TIPS). I want you to know that I will be most vigilant,
and will do my damndest to spot evil people and promptly report their
activities.
Just a few questions. Do we get, like, code rings or something? Maybe
badges? That would be really cool.
By the way, how did you get this idea?
From: GWB
To: Agent Sugg
Well, as y'all know, I don't really get too many ideas. I have Dick for
that. But the TIPS thing has been kicking around in the family for almost
70 years. You see, Granddaddy Prescott was a principal in New York's Union
Banking Corp. in the 1930s and '40s. His podners were a bunch of good ol'
boys from Germany who ran some big businesses and wore those cute little
crooked crosses on their sleeves. Those folks were almost as Republican as
the Carlyle Group honchos. You know how much we support multi-national
business, right?
Well, FDR came along and said Grandpappy was "trading with the enemy." Can
you believe it? Just because our German pals were running factories that
made guns and bombs that killed American GIs? FDR didn't understand that
Union Bank was only business, just like Harken and Halliburton and Enron.
That spoilsport FDR shut us down, but we made lots of money anyway. Heck,
the family wouldn't have had a pot to piss in if it weren't for those nice
conservative goose-steppers. Don't you just adore the way they had of
clicking their heels?
And we learned a few things from our German pals about how to deal with
dissidents and critics and other lowlifes. Jes' kick in the door and pull
them unpatriotic scum out by the hair. Get the facts later if you feel like
it.
So now you understand how we got the idea for TIPS. Sorry, no badges or
rings, but you do get a sticker for your car. And we're considering a
uniform, at least having matching shirts. How do you like brown?
From: reichsmarshal@departmentofjustice.gov
To: Agent Sugg
Welcome to TIPS. The organization will be -- as you can read on the
official website -- "a nationwide program giving millions of American
truckers, letter carriers, train conductors, ship captains, utility
employees and others a formal way to report suspicious terrorist activity."
Good luck hunting down terrorists! Be vigilant! Be My Type of Christian! Be
Sneaky! And remember our motto: Who Needs a Bill of Rights When You Can
Have the PATRIOT Law?
J. Ashcroft
From: Agent Sugg
To: J. Ashcroft
Millions of spooks? I mean, I thought this was an elite group of spies, and
we'd all have code names and get lots of babes (or hunks depending on sex
and persuasion). But millions????
Agent Sugg
From: reichsmarshal@departmentofjustice.gov
To: Agent Sugg
Yes, as many as 12 million snitches, er, I mean loyal Americans. We studied
this and found the most effective similar operation was in the former East
Germany, where the Stasi secret police did such a bang-up job at ferreting
out traitors and those who might someday be traitors or those who in the
future might think about being traitors.
Our goal is to enlist 4 percent of all Americans as neighborhood snoops --
that's a much higher percentage than even the Stasi. It all begins next
month, and you're part of it.
Let's say you're a cable guy. You go to someone's home while you're hooking
up the cable, you take a look at what the family is reading. Is a Bible
prominently displayed? If not, make a note. If you see a Koran or any book
by Gore Vidal, you immediately call the Gestap ... I mean, the FBI.
Or maybe you drive a truck, and you see someone with an ACLU bumper
sticker. You know they must "hate America," so you pass on the tip. We'd
prefer you not run them off the road -- we do need to have a little chat
with the vermin. We can be verrrrry persuasive now that we can secretly
arrest people, try them in secret and even execute them by secret
tribunals.
That means if you hear someone say "habeas corpus," run for the phone and
call Headquarters. Only bleeding heart liberals care about such folderol,
and the fact they have to code their talk in a foreign language proves they
must be Tools of International Terrorist Conspiracy from Hell (ITCH).
J. Ashcroft
From: Agent (maybe) Sugg
To: J. Ashcroft
Well, I guess. But I sort of thought I'd have a secret agent number. I knew
it wouldn't be 007 or even 00132. But to find out I may end up as 003485722
is a little disappointing. Maybe I better study this a little more.
Some questions come to mind. Who is going to sift through the mountain of
tips that TIPS agents send in? I mean, it's not exactly like you guys
didn't have tons of intelligence before 9-11. I keep reading (in foreign
newspapers and the alternative press, but not the ever-so-loyal dailies)
that you just didn't know what to do with the information, or you ignored
it.
The numbers are boggling. If every TIPSter just sends in one tip a day,
pretty soon everyone in America will be fingered as "evil." Or, how are you
going to stop people from just smearing someone they don't like?
From: reichsmarshal@departmentofjustice.gov
To: Agent (?) Sugg
You better watch those thoughts, son.
From: John Sugg
To: Editors list, Washington Post, NY Times, Atlanta Journal-Constitution,
etc.
Hey, guys, you know I've been thinking a bit about the government's TIPS
program. In trying to find out about it, I was looking at your papers and
didn't find much until a few days ago, even though the TIPS plan has been
kicking around for months. Then I discovered that it was the Sydney Morning
News that broke the story, a real slam dunk on you, my esteemed colleagues.
That's Sydney as in Australia, by the way. Don't tell me you're afraid the
TIPS folks will come looking for you if you get too aggressive.
From: John Sugg
To: ACLU
CC: FBI (they're probably reading your e-mail anyway)
What's your take on this TIPS program?
From: Gerry Webber, ACLU/Georgia
To: John Sugg
I think it creates a peeping tom crew of cable guys and postmen. The Fourth
Amendment requires a warrant to intrude upon one's home -- your castle as
it were -- and this is a blatant attempt to circumvent that constitutional
protection. We should be able to freely invite folks into our homes as
friends, not warily as potential spies.
From: John Sugg
To: Chip Berlet
Hey, Chip, you're a veteran investigative reporter who knows a lot about
our intelligence (or lack-of-intelligence) agencies. What do you think of
TIPS?
From: Berlet
To: Sugg
It's a suggestion that would make George Orwell's chief of the Thought
Police blush. It's so appalling that it's hard to find a glib quote that's
sufficiently disdainful of the idea. It's chilling to think of government
turning your neighbors and children into the Thought Police. It's
un-American and anti-democracy to train a vast army of informers. We're
going to create exactly the kind of police state the right-wing militias
and left-wing activists are afraid of. No one paid attention to the
fringes, but it looks as if they were right after all.
From: Sugg
To: Berlet
Ouch.
To: GWB
From: Ex-Agent Sugg
Don't go thinking I'm wimping out or anything, but it's best for me to
resign from TIPS. Sorry.
Yours in mindless patriotism,
John
From: PreciousAmy@sugghousehold.com
To: Pops
Hi, Daddy. Just wanted to let you know that I was playing the Harry Potter
game on your computer and I saw that stuff on TIPS. I thought you'd be
really proud of me if I joined, too. Well, I've been a member now for
almost two weeks. Then I remembered you have all those books, like the ones
by Noam Chomsky and Michael Moore and even Pat Buchanan. And, I sometimes
peek at Creative Loafing and read your columns. Oh, boy! You've been really
naughty, haven't you?
Well, I hope you don't mind, Daddy, but I turned you in. Before they come
and take you to Guantanamo (I told the TIPS special agent to try and get
you a real nice cage), do you think we can go to the mall for some more
Barbie dolls? The new Storm Trooper Barbie is on sale now.
Your Loving (and Patriotic) Daughter
From: gorwell@hereafter.eternity.org
To: John Sugg
John, I've been following this discussion from, well, afar. Be comforted.
You'll soon love Big Brother. Two plus two does equal five.
Senior Editor and Wannabe Spook John Sugg -- who says he lusted to join the
FBI when J. Edgar Hoover was running things, "but I look terrible in
evening gowns and heels" -- can be reached at 404-614-1241 or at
john.sugg@creativeloafing.com. Sugg has this confession to make: "Some of
the above e-mails are a little made up. But some are real. You guess which
is which. The tale of Prescott Bush and the Nazis is solid history,
however."
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